3 ways to heal from competition amongst women

As a steward of a sisterhood community, I feel a particular shame as well as a deeper responsibility to understand emerging conflicts I have with women.

So, let me share that I recently engaged in a textbook example of sisterhood competition over a man...

This is something I’m assuming most women have either experienced first-hand or we have seen the dynamics play out through others.

I was not new to these dynamics.

Competition fueled my early teen years which lasted until my early twenties. In a way the competition was helpful, promoting me to do better in school, take care of my body, and strive to be my best self. 

And in other ways it was toxic. 

Talking about women behind their backs, physically-fighting my blood sister and other women, name-calling, sabotage, judging, victimization, and blaming were all a part of the experiences I had… 

And to be honest, I thought these patterns were WAY behind me.

And sister, they’re not. 

Through this most recent emergence of competition that I experienced, I am humbled to share that I felt similar feelings of anger, shame, and jealousy that I had felt in my younger years. 

Sigh…

However, I feel SO MUCH gratitude for all the inner work I have done in women's circles and beyond because I showed up to this situation with respect for the “other woman” and myself. 

But oh, lordy! The feelings were hard!

In all honesty, I found my situation laughable in moments…

“Ummm… reeeeaaaaaaly?”

I laughed because it was so obvious that the intelligence of life was inviting me to experience this situation so I could have the opportunity to show up differently, to take more accountability, to speak my truth, and also to forgive this pattern of competition that has played out in my life and many others.

It got me thinking about something we speak about in our Global Sisterhood Circles often…

Why is there so much comparison, mistrust, and competition between women?

I will do my best to briefly share what we believe:

The plague of comparison and competition has been with us for a long time….

In part, it exists because there was a need. Back in the day, and even still, women needed to compete for a man. In a colonial world, a woman did not have the safety to be without a man. Her worth, sense of livelihood, and safety was based on whether a man would be attracted to her and choose her as “his”. Because of this, women had to compete for men. It wasn’t a superficial matter, in some cases, it was a matter of life or death.

Fast-forward. Women around the world are still stuck in this generational trauma pattern which continues to perpetuate mistrust, comparison, and competition amongst women. Women are getting amazingly well-paid jobs, able to take care of themselves, raise families on their own, and do extraordinary things, yet we are still plagued by jealousy— why?

Because we still need to heal the wounds of the past.

Sisterhood is a spiritual practice.

Learning to deprogram ourselves from the competition and comparison paradigm that exists today is not easy.

However, I do believe that with these three things we can make a much bigger impact on our sisterhood healing, these include: self-responsibility, forgiveness, and the practice of circling with women. With these practices we can heal from these programmings that have kept us separate from one another and therefore lacking something supremely special in our lives. 

1. Self-Responsibility

At the Global Sisterhood, we believe that we should take responsibility for our lives, our judgments, our stories, and the unhealed parts of us that can shape our reality. When it comes to our relationship with women, none of us are perfect. Childhood games where we were left out, backstabbing in teenage years, malicious words behind one another’s back, and the non-stop comparison to supermodels, pornstars, and ageless celebrities create incredible feelings of pain and “I’m not enough”. In some way, we all suffer from not feeling whole and often acting from that wound.

Many of us are on the path of self-discovery and are actively learning where our wounds come from and are healing from them. As a spiritual seeker, the best thing we can do when it comes to issues we face with other women is to take responsibility for ourselves. My dad always used to tell me, “sweep your side of the street”, basically meaning, “take responsibility for what you can control”. In this case, you can control the thoughts you have about other women, how you process your emotions, understanding the pattern that has led you here, and also creating boundaries that allow you to feel safe! Every woman deserves to feel safe. Take ownership of your own feelings and reasons as to what is causing the pain you feel with other women.

2. Forgiveness

In order to unravel a pattern within us, we must forgive it wholly and completely. When it comes to competition, we must forgive ourselves and the other women we have shared these dynamics with. We can do this by gently coming into meditation and imagine the ways in which we have spoken about, mistrusted, compared, and competed with other women and all the ways this has happened to us. From a place of love and tenderness, we can offer forgiveness to the part of ourselves that still feels vulnerable and hurt from what occurred in the past.

3. Pledge to be better

We are not here to be perfect; however, we are here to be better. You are reading a post from the Global Sisterhood because something inside your heart knows it’s possible for us to heal in even deeper ways and come together. As women, when we come together in circle and get vulnerable in our stories, we show other women that we can be honest about the pain and struggle that often still comes up in female relationships. Being held in sisterhood during these shares is an incredible way to be seen and met and help reweave patterns of mistrust and competition. The path is never over and to be honest, perfection is not the goal. If you are looking for a list of tangible ways to show-up as a sister, we have designed a sisterhood pledge - a gift for yourself and all the sisters you know and have yet to meet - for you to sign, or if you have already, it is never bad to revisit something that has the tenants of healthy sisterhood.

So with all this being said, my pledge to you, my sister, is to do my best.

To lead with grace, self-reflection, self-responsibility, honesty, awareness, and compassion for myself and others.

If you are struggling with a woman in your life, please remember that you do not have to be perfect. Being on the path of sisterhood is enough. Have compassion for yourself if old wounds are being stirred up. 

We are here for you.

We are all learning together, and I desire to co-create a world with you where we are safe to learn and grow. 

In honor of your power and beauty,

Shaina Michele Conners
Steward of the Global Sisterhood